25 Things You Must Know Before Moving to Miami

25 Things You Must Know Before Moving to Miami

You Probably Won’t Listen, But You Can’t Say You Weren’t Warned

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Thinking of moving to Miami? That’s cute. I give you two years.

“But wait!” you say. “I like sun! I like palm trees! Heck, I even like Cuban food and Salsa dancing and got a B+ in 12th grade Spanish! I KNOW Miami is the place for me!”

Think again, oh freezing cold northerner. There are reasons the average American doesn’t stay here more than a couple of years, and it’s not because they hate 80 degree days in December.

If you came here for a week and thought Miami was your new home, here’s 25 realities you need to accept before you make our skyline your background on Facebook (even though you probably already have).

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1. Jobs are scarce – People are always trying to move here. Businesses – at least ones that don’t involve bottle service or sushi – are not. You do the math.

2. You have to drive like a maniac to survive – Everyone in Miami knows the slowest way to get from Point A to Point B is by following all the traffic laws.

3. Nothing runs on time – This becomes infuriatingly clear the first time you arrive on time for dinner – starving – and have to wait an hour and a half until everyone else shows up.

4. It’s frustratingly transient – Living in Miami for an extended period of time is kinda like being the last guy alive at the retirement home.

5. You will be an outsider – You won’t understand the water cooler banter. You won’t be able to make small talk with strangers. And you won’t get unfunny jokes that people laugh at anyway. Actually, this one might be a plus.

6. Everyone lives at home – Getting the third degree from your date’s father didn’t end when you graduated High School! People in Miami live at home until they’re, like, dead.

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7. Salaries don’t come close to cost of living – Employers seem to think $30,000 a year is perfectly reasonable when a decent apartment costs a grand. They must figure everyone is living at home.

8. Offices are like zoos – The only way your workplace’s loud music, noisy phone conversations, and Spanglish yelling across cubicles will seem normal is if your previous workplace was a dog kennel.

9. Everyone is short – If you’re male and over 6 feet tall, you will generally have every guy in the bar trying to fight you by 2 a.m. If you’re a girl over 5’7”, you will never wear heels on a date again.

10. People flake – Whenever a Miamian makes plans with you, make backup plans. And when those original plans come through, flake on your backup. It’s a vicious cycle, I know.

11. We air condition the ever loving soul out of everything – Jackets have two uses here: Movie theaters and that day in February.

12. FPL will ruin your weekend – Air conditioning units use only slightly less energy than Abrams tanks. So when that first $250 power bill shows up on a Friday, it’ll sting hard.

13. Never believe anyone who says “I can get you in” at a big club – Because he can’t. And neither can “My Boy.”

14. It’s not diverse – Miami is two-thirds Hispanic. A majority figure on par with those bastions of diversity Tulsa and Salt Lake City.

15. Everything involves drinking – You know you’ve lived here too long when you start pregaming ballet recitals.

16. Nobody moves fast – If you enjoy listening to the lady at the front of the checkout line discuss her entire family with the cashier, this actually won’t bother you.

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17. It Floods – It rains here. A lot. I mean, so much they’re building a Goddam ark out in Hialeah.

18. You won’t go to the beach after your first year – And every time you plan to, it will rain.

19. Clubs are for tourists – You think anyone who pays these rents can afford a $12 Bud Light?

20. The Spanish thing is no joke – How many 20,000 square foot stores can you name in your hometown with all their signs in Spanish? Because I can name infinity plus one.

21. Miamians are dumb. Really dumb. – A friend who’s lived here his whole life recently told me “You’re the only person I know who reads books.”

22. Most of those cars are leased – Miami is a great testament to what $299 a month* can get you

23. Lying is perfectly fine – If people here ever told the truth, you’d never know everyone lives at home, leases a BWM, and can’t get you into a club.

24. It’s trashy – We are the birthplace of the chonga. You’re welcome.

25. You’ll never want to leave – But you will anyway.  That’s just how it goes.

*One at this price. $4599 due at signing. Price does not include tax,tag, title, dealer fees, rims, tints, systems, custom paint, and airbrushed murals of Conan the Barbarian

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Published at Fri, 10 Oct 2014 04:46:36 +0000